You do not hold your obedience until your spouse plays theirs.“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” (Eph 5:22).
There it is. One of the most quoted, fought over and conveniently weaponised verses in the Bible. Some men sit up a little straighter when they hear it.
See? I am the head of this house. Some women immediately put their backs up. Submit? To him? Have you met him?
But perhaps both sides need to put their egos down long enough to actually read what Paul is saying.
Because Paul is not handing the husband a crown. And he is not handing the wife a muzzle. He is placing both of them at the foot of the cross. And neither is left unchanged. Wives, ‘Hypotassō’ The Greek word translated “submit” is hypotassō. Hypo means under. Tassō means to arrange or place in order. It carries the idea of willingly arranging oneself within an ordered relationship.
Importantly, Paul does not use the Greek word for “obey”.
When he speaks to children in Ephesians 6:1, he uses hypakouō, meaning to hear and obey. He does not use that word for wives.
A wife is not her husband’s child, employee or possession. She is not called to blind obedience, silence, abuse or following a man into sin. She is called to a posture of honour within covenant.
And before the men get too excited, the whole section begins with: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Eph 5:21).
Under Christ. Under reverence for Christ. Under the surrender of self. Then Paul says: Wives, to your own husbands. Not women to men. Not every woman under every man. Your own husband.
This is covenant language. But wives, we cannot spend so much time explaining what submission is not that we never ask whether we are actually doing what it is. Do you honour your husband? Really?
Not only when he is in the room. Not only when you agree with him. Not only when he is being particularly easy to respect.
Respect is who you are with his name when he is not in the room. You cannot tell your husband you respect him and then sit with your friends and dismantle him.
Share the private things he trusted you with. Tell stories that make him look stupid.
Mock his income, his body, his parenting or your sex life. Tell everyone every ugly detail of your last fight while conveniently forgetting the parts where you were wrong.
That is not submission. That is betrayal. Respect is who you are with his name when he is not in the room. Does his dignity remain safe in your hands?
When you are angry, do you reach for the most private thing you know about him and use it as a weapon? Do you buy laughter with his humiliation?
And can we talk about public disrespect? The eye rolling. The constant correction. The interruption. The need to show everyone that no man tells you what to do. He says something, you contradict him.
He tells a story, you correct every detail. He makes a suggestion, and your entire body language announces to the room that you think he is an idiot.
Then later you complain: He is not loving me the way the Bible says he should.
Perhaps not. God will deal with him about that. But what about you?
You are not responsible for his command. You are responsible for yours. Husbands, Before You Shout “Head,” Look at the Head.
Then Paul turns to the husband. And this is where some men who loved verse 22 suddenly become very quiet.“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Eph 5:25).
The Greek word is agapaō. Covenantal, self giving love. And Paul immediately explains what it looks like. He gave Himself up for her. The word is paradidōmi. To hand oneself over. To surrender. To give oneself up. So you want to be the head? Wonderful. The Head died. The Head bled.
The Head served. The Head washed feet. The Head carried weakness. The Head gave Himself up for His Bride.
Biblical headship is not permission to act like a gorilla in your own house.
You do not get to stomp around angry, swear at everyone, lose your temper, complain about everything, humiliate people, terrify your children and make the whole family walk on eggshells.
Then thump Ephesians 5:22 on the table and announce: Respect me. I am the head of this house.
The question is not: Are you the head? The question is: Do you resemble the Head?
Paul does not allow you to define headship according to your ego, your temper, your culture or whatever your father modelled for you. He gives you Jesus.
So, husband, when you are angry, do you resemble Him?
When nobody from church is watching, who are you? Does your wife meet the same man at home that everyone praises in public? Does the way you speak make Christ believable in your house?
You cannot demand that your wife respect your position while your character continually dishonours the Christ whose position you claim to represent. You cannot behave like a brute and demand to be followed like Jesus. Follow you where?
Does She Become Radiant in Your Hands? Paul says Christ gave Himself for the Church:“to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church.”(Eph 5:26–27).
The Greek word for washing is loutron. A washing. A cleansing.
The word translated “word” is rhēma, an uttered or spoken word.
Now, husband, this does not mean you become your wife’s saviour or Holy Spirit. It certainly does not mean you preach at her every day and use Scripture to correct her into submission. Christ is the One who cleanses His Bride.
But Christ is the example Paul gives you. So here is the uncomfortable question: What do your words do to your wife? Does she become more radiant under your voice? Or does she shrink? Do your words wash shame away or add to it? Too emotional. Too loud.
Too sensitive. Too ambitious. Too much. Never enough. And then you wonder why she no longer shines. The word Paul uses for “radiant” is endoxos. Glorious. Splendid. Honoured.
Held in high esteem.Christ is not threatened by the radiance of His Bride. Her strength does not make Him insecure. Her flourishing is not competition. So, husband, is your wife flourishing under the way you love her?
Or have you spent years slowly making her smaller so you could feel bigger? You may call yourself the head. But does your headship look anything like Jesus. And here is where both sides become ridiculous.
The husband says: “When she starts respecting me, I will love her properly.”The wife says: “When he starts loving me properly, I will respect him.”
No. This is not a card game.You do not sit at the marriage table holding your card against your chest saying: You first. No, you first. Love me. Respect me. Submit. Sacrifice.
You give, then I will give. That is not covenant. That is a transaction. And the cross is not transactional.
Jesus did not wait for the Church to become radiant before He loved her. He loved her toward radiance. Paul does not tell the wife: “Respect him once he becomes impressive.”And he does not tell the husband: “Love her once she becomes easy to love.”
Each receives their own command. The husband stands before God with Ephesians 5:25.
The wife stands before God with Ephesians 5:22 and 33.
Neither gets to use the other person’s disobedience as permission for their own. That does not mean enduring abuse. It does not mean staying silent about sin.
Boundaries can be biblical. Confrontation can be loving. Seeking help can be wise. But you cannot build an entire life of disrespect and blame it on his lack of love.
And you cannot build an entire life of harshness and blame it on her lack of respect. It is easy to be kind at church. Easy to be patient with people you see for two hours.
Easy to be charming at work. Easy to post anniversary pictures and write beautiful captions. But marriage sees you tired. Angry. Rejected. Stressed. Broke. Irritated.And there, in the ordinary mess of real life, the question becomes: Do I still resemble Christ?
Husband, does she become more radiant in your hands?
Wife, does his dignity remain safe in yours? Husband, are you demanding submission while refusing sacrifice?
Wife, are you demanding tenderness while practising contempt? Husband, are you calling yourself the head while looking nothing like the Head? Wife, are you calling yourself a godly wife while making sure everyone knows you will never yield to your husband in anything? Both of you need the cross.
Both of you need to die to self. Both of you need to stop keeping score. Marriage is not: Once you give, I will give. Marriage is: Because I belong to Christ, I will obey Christ.
That is the confrontation of Ephesians 5. Perhaps the greatest test of our Christianity is not how loudly we worship on Sunday.
It is how much of Jesus lives in the way we love the person who knows us best. Husband, look at the Head. Wife, look at Christ.
Both of you, put your cards down. The cross has already gone first. (VICKY LUDICK)
Kingdom News: Tough talk
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